Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
