Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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