Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
