I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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