the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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