I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
