just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
