Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
