I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
