We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
