first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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