Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
