I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
