if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Buhtt sex?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
