ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
