dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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