my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
