Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize