i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
