He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
