Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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