It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
