the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
