I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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