pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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