Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
