I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
