i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
