i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
