I should be sponsored by Trojan
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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