Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
