Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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