My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
