if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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