is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
