I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
