this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
