she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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