For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
