Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
