This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
