Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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