He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
