your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
