Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
