Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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