would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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