call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Ketchup is God's man juice
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
