Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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