I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
