apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
