I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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