I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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