Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
