Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
