you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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