right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
